Dear Krazy: Almost. Delete “star” from his claim, and his description would be spot on.
Dear Crabbie: Apparently, the Bradford Regional Medical Center in Pennsylvania is the first hospital to treat Internet addiction. I’m thinking of going, but I live on the West Coast. Do you think it would be worth the trip? – Virtually Addicted
Dear Addicted: I’d check first, to see if their therapy is available on-line.
Dear Crabbie: I am concerned for the First Family. During the recent government shutdown, the president’s care and maintenance staff were reduced by over 80%. This meant he only had two housekeepers, one butler, one chef, and one usher on duty during the day. Although I’m on Food Stamps, I want to help the president’s family. What should I do? – Poor, but Concerned
Dear Concerned: Clearly, a US president with only one chef makes us a laughing stock in the world’s eyes. Stop selfishly hoarding those Food Stamps and forward them to the White House immediately.
Dear Crabbie: Lately, I’ve been hearing voices from God. The creator of the universe has been telling me to do something important like write a bestseller, rather than work towards ending world hunger, global warming, or war. Should I be concerned? – Inma Head
Dear Inma: Wake up! Who do you think you are, Bill O’Reilly?
Dear Crabbie: My bottle of over-the-counter pain medication says I should only take up to 4 pills a day. But I take two or three times that. Can I sue the manufacturer if I get liver damage? – Pill Popper Pete
Dear Pete: As long as they can countersue you for overdosing in stupidity.
Dear Crabbie: I can now sort of identify with Oprah. I recently went to a store to buy a handbag for my girlfriend, but the sales clerk would not serve me either. In my case, I suspect it was because I wasn’t wearing shoes or a shirt, had body piercings in my nose, lips, cheeks and eyebrows, had rainbow colored spiked hair, and tattoos from head to foot. Isn’t this discrimination? – Spike
Dear Spike: It certainly is. The salesperson was being very discriminating.
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